


Mrs Rincewind's Little Boy

by Anonymoose12



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: "character journey", First Person, Monologue, Other, conversational, mountain metaphors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-29 16:15:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6383572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anonymoose12/pseuds/Anonymoose12
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rincewind reflects on his life</p><p>(aka a thing I wrote for a drama monologue)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mrs Rincewind's Little Boy

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this as a piece for my year 12 drama performance, but apparently there's no ~journey~ so my teacher wouldn't let me do it.
> 
> But I did a Neil Gaiman piece so all g I guess.

Octarine.

The Colour of Magic.

Alive.

Glowing.

The pigment of imagination.

A sure sign that mere matter is servant to the power of magic.

...

I've always thought it looked sort of greenish-purple. But then I've never been very good at magic. I mean I once got 2% in a university exam. For spelling my name right. I guess luck's my middle name. Mind you, my first name is Bad. Because that was my only positive mark. It just all went downhill after that.

And then I finished- failed university and I just kept going downhill. And downhill some more. And then I usually end up at the bottom of a big hill.

Sure, sometimes I climb up to where the snow starts, but I always tumble back down again. Through no fault of my own, I'd like to say. Usually because some foolish, reckless person is looking for an 'adventure'. But then something goes wrong, and they can't take pretty photos anymore because they're too busy being eaten by giant octopi, and everyone's saying 'Oh Rincewind, what are you going to do about it?"

Well, what Mrs Rincewind's little boy- if there had been a Mrs Rincewind of course- is going to do about it is nothing. Right? People have to sort things out themselves. No mysterious magical armies are going to- will you stop looking at me like that? I don't see why other people's idiocy is always my fault; I've got other things to do. Like climbing metaphorical hills.

And maybe, if I'm very very lucky, I'll climb a small way up the hill again, and find a nice place to be quietly, peacefully bored in. But then, I'll bet that just when I'm getting a grip on something Fate always comes along and jumps on my fingers. And I'll be dragged along on some ridiculous quest again. *sighs*

I know what you're thinking. And you know what? I agree. I am a coward. I'm an incompetent. I'm not even very good at being a failure. So what? There are no causes worth dying for. You can pick up five causes on any street corner- equal pay for the undead, skirts for female dwarves, drug rehab for trolls, stamp discounts for cabbage farmers, public holidays for Death - but you only have one life.

And I intend to live my life to the full. You can do what you want with yours, but I'm going to find somewhere quiet and boring and delightfully undisturbed. If you lot will let me enjoy it. I mean- that time with the Agatean Empire? There I was, stranded on an island, comfortable and bored, I had just been promised earthly and sensual pleasures such as those I may only have dreamed of, and let me tell you I really like potatoes, when all of a sudden BOOM. Next thing I know, I'm back here at the Unseen University, about to be sent off as some sort of human sacrifice in exchange for the right to be called a wizard.

But I've always felt like I have the right to call myself a wizard. Not because I can do wizardly things, but because I need to be one. It's-it's like maths, see? The number zero isn't even a number at all, but if it wasn't there, a lot of larger numbers would be left looking bloody useless. I'm like that. The number zero of magic. I’m the additive identity of magic. I'm vitally important for all sorts of proofs, but don't really do much on my own.

And now, because of the Agatean Empire business I hold a staff position at the world's most reputable academy of magic . ME! Really fills you with faith in the magical community doesn't it? Me. In a position of authority. Or rather, me in a position that sounds like it has authority. Not that magical authority matters to me.

I mean, there must be something better than magic, right? Something that explains how things works and which can be studied and tested, but isn't unwieldy and completely controlled by a bunch of gluttonous old men in red robes. Something that could actually do something useful- like use lighting to power carriages, or use invisible strings to talk to people on the other side of the world. Something that's not religion, or magic, but makes more sense than either. *snorts* Yeah right. Religion and magic are all we've got.

Well if someone up there is looking down on me, thanks a lot. And, as we've established, I'm not exactly gifted in the magical department so any wizarding duel is going to go on the lines of 'Hello I'm Rincewind' closely followed by Bazam! So I'm not really sure what you want me for. I'm happy here. I get 12 meals a day, and my laundry done, and enough coal to fuel a small army.

And my pre-emptive karma hasn't even kicked in. Good things are happening to me, and nothing bad happened before they started, so nothing bad is happening throughout the good things for a change. And, sure, I'm not going uphill, but I'm not exactly going downhill either. So please just ignore me. Don't ask me for favours, or expect me to know things, or think I'm a life-saving hero. None of the times when I knew things or saved people's lives were intentional- I never meant for them to happen, and I don't know how they did. Things go dreadfully, horribly wrong, but then they always work out. But don't depend on that.

Don't depend on me.

I'm not dependable.

Even I don't depend on me, and I'm me. My way of solving minor problems is to turn them into major disasters and, if you don't mind, I'd really just like to be left alone now.

...

What you're saying is I'm on my own? Thanks.

I'll be off then.


End file.
